“Ah Bey another glorious day being me” Bey said aloud. He had just finished his third chicken and was now ready for his main meal which was roast pig stuffer with two kinds of smaller pig. Bey believed in the three basic food groups, which is to say he believed in eating three of everything. As he sat in his luxury suite in the Imperial palace he thought back to his illustrious child hood and how his father had always told him that if he kept eating he was destined for greatness. Or as he put it “Son you keep eating like that and you will be huge when you grow up” It was soon after this that his father was killed by ghosts. His mother had come to him in the night and told him that his father had been killed by stampeding ghosts from a neighboring farm. This not only made him fear that ghosts were real and could kill humans but it also made him fear these farmers who apparently grew ghosts.
As the years past he stayed in side a lot he hadn’t seen a ghost in his house yet and so was pretty sure that they couldn’t get him there. While there he concentrated on making sure his father’s predictions of greatness came true. He was about ten when his family decided that he needed help and sent him to a private school. It was here that he first met the emperor. Although he had heard some people say that the inbreeding in the emperor’s family had made him ‘weak in the head’. Bey had always found the emperor level headed and wise. He had shared his knollage of ghosts with the emperor and they had decided that they must stick together to destroy this menace. The emperor always insisted in staying up all night, he had said it was the only way to catch these ghosts. This of coarse meant that neither of them had time for school work they would have both failed there final exam but the emperor had all the teachers executed as traitors the day before the final exam as they had tried to fool him into believing that ghosts did not exist. He had then ordered the new teachers to graduate both Bey and himself as top of the class.
As an educated man Bey had been involved in many of the emperor’s key decisions such as the giant flag which now hung from the palace walls. Bey had informed the emperor of how important the flag would be in such events as if they got lost in the city and needed to find the palace or if the citizens ever needed to know what there flag looked like. However it was not until the great ghost hunt or the war with Kalor as it was now called that the true value of the flag was revealed.
It was soon after graduation that Bey had head one of the palace guard’s comment on the herds of ghosts in the countryside. Bey had informed the emperor and he assembled his army. As was the emperors policy they marched at night and had in fact walked through the army of Kalors camp before one of the emperors generals pleas finally made the emperor wipe out the invading army before continuing there search. After two nights with out success the emperor decided to turn for home, as he did not trust his soldiers the emperor him self decided to lead his soldier’s home. After four more nights the army was in ruins they had no food or water and could not see the city in the dark it was dawn after the fourth night that Bey suddenly remembered the flag. The emperor and he both looked around and sure enough they could see the flag 200 meters behind the city wall. Mistaking the city wall for a cliff they had been camped behind it for two nights.
Laughing to himself Bey finished his meal, put an emergency leg of chicken in his pocket and went to meet the emperor. He told the guard that ‘the emperor does not wish to be disturbed’. They had been speaking for a few minutes when the emperors other advisor Chen walked in carrying a sword covered in blood. Bey had never liked Chen who had often referred to Bey as a fool.
“What is the meaning of this” the emperor said. Bey began backing away from the emperor.
As the emperor and Chen spoke Bey grabbed the talisman at his neck and threw it at Chen’s feet.
“It will take more than your lucky charm to stop me” Chen said as he looked at the hunk of metal at his feet, it was while he was looking at this that Bey stepped in Screamed “WHO THE FOOL NOW” and stabbed Chen in the jugular with the chicken leg he had been saving for later. As Chen’s lungs filled with blood the emperor outlined his new plan.
“We invade the west” the emperor said.
Chen was baffled “Isn’t that mainly ocean sir”.
“Exactly” said the emperor, “Who has heard of ghosts living under water. I am making you a General and once we have beaten the fish army or whatever they have I will move my palace there,”
As Bey ran to carry out the emperors wishes he fell over the body of a young guard.
“I should have that moved before someone gets hurt” said Bey and hurried off to find the army.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Sunday, May 29, 2005
A soldier, a killer and a fool part 2
Chen’s forehead touched the ground as he prayed before the tree of life. He had come here since he was a child at times when he needed to think. It was a place of great peace where you could feel the presence of God. The tree of life was a singular tree in the middle of the desert no water was presents no other vegetation of any kind near it, a spec of luscious green in the middle of the dead sand. It was said that this was the tree from the Garden of Eden which held the forbidden fruit. Of course he did not believe this but there was something about this place which always calmed him.
He had come here more and more often of late as he neared the end of his plans. His whole life had been dedicated to this moment from the day he had gone into hiding after his father was killed by the emperor. But today all his plans were about to reach fruition.
As a child he had been raised by a series of Merchants who were loyal to his father. They each educated him and thought him to fight, each instilling in him a deep need for revenge. When he was old enough he began to put in to effect plans which had been drawn up for him since he was a child. With the aid of several wealthy merchants he became one of the richest men in Barin and tales began spreading of his incredible skills with money. It wasn’t long before the Emperor began investing money with him and soon an invitation to the palace arrived. When he first met the emperor he had to use every ounce of his strength not to kill the man right then and there. But he knew he didn’t want to just kill the emperor he wanted to destroy him.
The emperor was impressed and after a few years he became the emperor’s advisor along with that fat fool Bey. Bey was always mumbling to himself, falling over things and generally making a fool of himself. Chen couldn’t figure out how he had graduated top of the class in the local school. He was further proof of the emperor’s stupidity a useless oaf who constantly carried a hunk of metal around his neck. Chen had once asked him what it does and Bey simple said it makes bad things disappear.
As Chen left the tree of life and returned to the city he looked at the countryside its people were poor and many of them were starving. The city of Barin was wealthy but the countryside was dying, high taxes were crippling the farmers. Chen knew that it was time for a change. His men had been assassinating key supporters of the emperor and destroying key buildings for weeks now and tonight the emperor would be assassinated. He had made sure that the emperor was guarded by two incompetent guards, an almost crippled old man and a boy who had newly join the guards. He would arrive only in time to avenge the emperor’s death, with Bey to witness this he would then step into the emperor’s place and restore order to the empire.
He arrived at the palace, met his assassins and told them to proceed with the plan. He followed them at a discrete distance and turned the corner to the throne room in time to see his second assassin get killed by the boy Guard.
“Bravo who knew that a child like you could actually kill two trained assassins?” Chen Said, “What a bother I guess I will have to kill the Emperor the hard way.”
As the boy went into a fighting crouch Chen drew his sword and with out stopping killed him and walked towards the throne room.
The emperor and Bey were talking and looked up at Chen who still had a blood covered sword in his hand.
“What is the meaning of this” the emperor said. Bey began backing away from the emperor.
“I was hoping we could avoid all this,” Chen said, “but due to an overly stubborn boy I am afraid I will be killing you myself. Before you die know that you may have defeated Kalor’s army but her soldiers fight on.”
“You’ll never get away with this the people of Barin will hunt you down” Said the emperor his voice had begun to quiver and lacked his usual authority.
“I don't think that they will, you see the way I saw it Bey killed you and I could only avenge your death” It was at this moment that Bey’s hunk of metal landed on the floor between the emperor and himself.
“It will take more than your lucky charm to stop me” was the last thing Chen ever said.
He had come here more and more often of late as he neared the end of his plans. His whole life had been dedicated to this moment from the day he had gone into hiding after his father was killed by the emperor. But today all his plans were about to reach fruition.
As a child he had been raised by a series of Merchants who were loyal to his father. They each educated him and thought him to fight, each instilling in him a deep need for revenge. When he was old enough he began to put in to effect plans which had been drawn up for him since he was a child. With the aid of several wealthy merchants he became one of the richest men in Barin and tales began spreading of his incredible skills with money. It wasn’t long before the Emperor began investing money with him and soon an invitation to the palace arrived. When he first met the emperor he had to use every ounce of his strength not to kill the man right then and there. But he knew he didn’t want to just kill the emperor he wanted to destroy him.
The emperor was impressed and after a few years he became the emperor’s advisor along with that fat fool Bey. Bey was always mumbling to himself, falling over things and generally making a fool of himself. Chen couldn’t figure out how he had graduated top of the class in the local school. He was further proof of the emperor’s stupidity a useless oaf who constantly carried a hunk of metal around his neck. Chen had once asked him what it does and Bey simple said it makes bad things disappear.
As Chen left the tree of life and returned to the city he looked at the countryside its people were poor and many of them were starving. The city of Barin was wealthy but the countryside was dying, high taxes were crippling the farmers. Chen knew that it was time for a change. His men had been assassinating key supporters of the emperor and destroying key buildings for weeks now and tonight the emperor would be assassinated. He had made sure that the emperor was guarded by two incompetent guards, an almost crippled old man and a boy who had newly join the guards. He would arrive only in time to avenge the emperor’s death, with Bey to witness this he would then step into the emperor’s place and restore order to the empire.
He arrived at the palace, met his assassins and told them to proceed with the plan. He followed them at a discrete distance and turned the corner to the throne room in time to see his second assassin get killed by the boy Guard.
“Bravo who knew that a child like you could actually kill two trained assassins?” Chen Said, “What a bother I guess I will have to kill the Emperor the hard way.”
As the boy went into a fighting crouch Chen drew his sword and with out stopping killed him and walked towards the throne room.
The emperor and Bey were talking and looked up at Chen who still had a blood covered sword in his hand.
“What is the meaning of this” the emperor said. Bey began backing away from the emperor.
“I was hoping we could avoid all this,” Chen said, “but due to an overly stubborn boy I am afraid I will be killing you myself. Before you die know that you may have defeated Kalor’s army but her soldiers fight on.”
“You’ll never get away with this the people of Barin will hunt you down” Said the emperor his voice had begun to quiver and lacked his usual authority.
“I don't think that they will, you see the way I saw it Bey killed you and I could only avenge your death” It was at this moment that Bey’s hunk of metal landed on the floor between the emperor and himself.
“It will take more than your lucky charm to stop me” was the last thing Chen ever said.
Friday, May 27, 2005
A soldier, a killer and a fool part 1
Donni awoke with a start, his dreams had been getting worse over the last number of days. This had all started when he had gotten his promotion or perhaps when he first heard the rumors of rebel attacks? Of course the rumors were officially dismissed as accidents or the act of lone religious fanatics but some thing just didn’t feel right.
He got out of bed and looked out side the dawn sky was an amazing color of purple and he could see the people of Barin were starting to go about there daily tasks. From his home he could see the giant flag the emperor had hanging from the Palace walls.
He had lived in Barin his whole life, always in the shadow of the empirical palace, always dreaming of some day working for the emperor. He had decided at the age of five that he would be a soldier, he had carried a stick every where he went as a child practicing his parries and lunges. He had told his mother it was a walking stick as she hated violence and wished him to become a fish monger like his father. He helped his father by day and practiced his sword fighting by night he challenged his friends and enemies to matches and soon began to run out of both. By the age of fifteen he could best any other child in the city and had no one to spar against as even the older children would not challenge him. Undeterred he continued to practice on his own determined to be the best so that one day he could save the emperor’s life.
The emperor was the savior of Barin, Gods envoy to mortals, the bane of evil, champion of justice and defender of the tree of life. In his first year of power the emperor had destroyed there evil neighbors of Kalor. They had plotted to destroy Barin and enslave its people for years but thanks to the emperor that would never happen. He had smashed there armies in a battle 20 miles north of the tree of life and declared Kalor to be part of his empire.
Now was Donni’s chance to begin to repay the emperor for his greatness. After only 6 months in the empirical guard he had been selected to be one of the emperor’s body guards. He had been informed of his new position by Chen one of the emperors two assistants. Donni had never liked Chen and didn’t know why the emperor had such an aloof and arrogant man as one of his advisors but Donni knew the emperor new best. The emperors other assistant Bey was also unusual in Donni’s eyes. A man of large appetite and sluggish movement, he carried a large piece of metal around his neck at all times and it was said that it warded off evil spirits.
Donni finished getting ready and set off towards the throne room. As he walked through the palace he thought of his new position and the fact that he might have to kill some one and he wondered if he would be able to do it. To take a human life to end a persons existence, to destroy that persons dreams with the flick of his wrist. He was still thinking of this as he took his post outside the emperor’s throne room.
“The emperor does not wish to be disturbed” the other guard had told him. He had never seen the other guard before, ‘the man must be in his fifties at least’ he thought, ‘What an odd paring we must be the oldest and youngest guards in the palace. What are the odds of us being pared like this?’
It was as he was thinking this that the two men in black appeared from nowhere in front of them.
“The emperor does not wish to be…….” Was all the other guard got to say as a knife appeared in his left eye socket.
Donni drew his sword and thought ‘this is it.’
He went in to his fighting crouch as the two assassins attacked him, he easily parried there attacks before stabbing the first assassin in the chest before driving his sword through the second mans mouth into his brain.
With both assassins dead Donni dried his sword on one of there shirts and said out loud “I guess killing some one isn’t that hard after all”
It was then he heard clapping and turned to see the emperor’s advisor Chen walk in to view.
“Bravo who knew that a child like you could actually kill two trained assassins. What a bother I guess I will have to kill the Emperor the hard way.”
Donni went into his crouch and was still in it as Chens sword slit his throat. As Donni struggled to stem the flow of life blood from his neck he watched as Chen entered the throne room. He lay there for a few moments as the blood flowed from him and his last thought was ‘Maybe being a fish monger would not have been a bad life’. As his eyes closed it felt as if the world shook at his passing.
He got out of bed and looked out side the dawn sky was an amazing color of purple and he could see the people of Barin were starting to go about there daily tasks. From his home he could see the giant flag the emperor had hanging from the Palace walls.
He had lived in Barin his whole life, always in the shadow of the empirical palace, always dreaming of some day working for the emperor. He had decided at the age of five that he would be a soldier, he had carried a stick every where he went as a child practicing his parries and lunges. He had told his mother it was a walking stick as she hated violence and wished him to become a fish monger like his father. He helped his father by day and practiced his sword fighting by night he challenged his friends and enemies to matches and soon began to run out of both. By the age of fifteen he could best any other child in the city and had no one to spar against as even the older children would not challenge him. Undeterred he continued to practice on his own determined to be the best so that one day he could save the emperor’s life.
The emperor was the savior of Barin, Gods envoy to mortals, the bane of evil, champion of justice and defender of the tree of life. In his first year of power the emperor had destroyed there evil neighbors of Kalor. They had plotted to destroy Barin and enslave its people for years but thanks to the emperor that would never happen. He had smashed there armies in a battle 20 miles north of the tree of life and declared Kalor to be part of his empire.
Now was Donni’s chance to begin to repay the emperor for his greatness. After only 6 months in the empirical guard he had been selected to be one of the emperor’s body guards. He had been informed of his new position by Chen one of the emperors two assistants. Donni had never liked Chen and didn’t know why the emperor had such an aloof and arrogant man as one of his advisors but Donni knew the emperor new best. The emperors other assistant Bey was also unusual in Donni’s eyes. A man of large appetite and sluggish movement, he carried a large piece of metal around his neck at all times and it was said that it warded off evil spirits.
Donni finished getting ready and set off towards the throne room. As he walked through the palace he thought of his new position and the fact that he might have to kill some one and he wondered if he would be able to do it. To take a human life to end a persons existence, to destroy that persons dreams with the flick of his wrist. He was still thinking of this as he took his post outside the emperor’s throne room.
“The emperor does not wish to be disturbed” the other guard had told him. He had never seen the other guard before, ‘the man must be in his fifties at least’ he thought, ‘What an odd paring we must be the oldest and youngest guards in the palace. What are the odds of us being pared like this?’
It was as he was thinking this that the two men in black appeared from nowhere in front of them.
“The emperor does not wish to be…….” Was all the other guard got to say as a knife appeared in his left eye socket.
Donni drew his sword and thought ‘this is it.’
He went in to his fighting crouch as the two assassins attacked him, he easily parried there attacks before stabbing the first assassin in the chest before driving his sword through the second mans mouth into his brain.
With both assassins dead Donni dried his sword on one of there shirts and said out loud “I guess killing some one isn’t that hard after all”
It was then he heard clapping and turned to see the emperor’s advisor Chen walk in to view.
“Bravo who knew that a child like you could actually kill two trained assassins. What a bother I guess I will have to kill the Emperor the hard way.”
Donni went into his crouch and was still in it as Chens sword slit his throat. As Donni struggled to stem the flow of life blood from his neck he watched as Chen entered the throne room. He lay there for a few moments as the blood flowed from him and his last thought was ‘Maybe being a fish monger would not have been a bad life’. As his eyes closed it felt as if the world shook at his passing.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Part Three
“God damn it” I screamed as I desperately tried to defend myself from the constant attacks of an annoying and obviously demonically possessed insect.
“Fuck I thought, I hate the summer all it does is bring forth legions of unholy insects to pester and bite me”.
In a desperate attempt to escape this hell spawned menace I dived into the nearest shop. As I looked around the room in which I found myself I couldn’t help but think ‘Ah me thinks fate has lead me to this location for a reason. Perhaps I should search this establishment for some adult entertainment’. Luckily for me I had ended up in HMV which did infact hold in stock adult movies. I walked upstairs and had a look around until I found my desired section.
To my eternal anoyment there was someone standing in the middle of the section. Even the back of this persons head annoyed me.
‘What’s the point in looking at porn if I cannot view A to Z’ I thought.
I decided the only honorable way out of this situation would be to walk up to this person and obeying the rules of gentlemanly conduct gradually nudge him until he was standing in front of the kiddies section which was conveniently right beside the porn section.
I walked up beside this person planted my feet and prepared my self for one of the all time great shoulders when suddenly this person turned looked at me and said
“Ah dumdum I see you are still remembering to breath. You must be more intelligent than you look, act or sound”
As I gazed at this persons face I suddenly realized where I had seen him before, it was the asshole who had taken my copy of Gardening plus a few weeks earlier. Sheathing with rage I stood there glaring at him.
“Ah” he said coughing,” I see that although you are still breathing you appear to have forgotten how to speak. God you really are a dingbat”.
“Ha” I screamed “Dingbats are extinct” I turned and ran out of the building.
I always felt that the only true way to win an argument was to get the last word in.
As I emerged from HMV I was once more accosted by my flying insectoid nemesis. After throwing a few quick swats at it I dived through the nearest open door.
I quickly looked around and thought ‘damn who knew that HMV has two doors’
“Out of my way you blithering idiot. “Said the annoying looking man as he pushed me aside.
“That’s it” I shouted “you are going down”.
I ran outside to finally obliterate this abomination of humanity.
“What now you moron” he said turning to face me.
I went into a crouch, clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this asshole. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting a human torso… I couldn’t help but think that this was not going my way. I opened my eyes and looked up at the 6 foot pile of walking muscle who had some how stepped between my intended victim and I. Strange I thought he actually looks like a cross between Mr. T and Arnie only meaner.
“You are dead meat” he rumbled.
‘Shit’ I thought ‘time to get medieval on his ass’
With a lightening uppercut and a kick to the groin I found myself lying face down on the ground. ‘Damn’ I thought ‘he is fast and strong, it looks like this is going to take something special to finish’. I looked around the area and say a brick wall about six paces away from me. ‘Oh yes’ I thought as my mind raced like Linford Christy being chased by a rabid goat, ‘Hears the plan I get up run to the wall if he is close behind me I run up the wall do a back flip and then landing behind him deliver one of the all time great punches to the back of the head driving his face into the wall rendering him unconscious. If he was a little too far behind me for this I would use the wall to execute a spin kick to the jaw rendering him unconscious’. ‘Gold’ I screamed as I leapt to my feet and with every ounce of strength sprinted towards the wall. It was at this moment that I realized two things. One I had no idea where my opponent was and two wasn’t the wall only six paces away.
As my skull cannoned against the wall my whole life flashed before my eyes this event was extremely short which depressed the hell out of me.
As I opened my eyes to look into a paramedics face I mumbled” Where is the bastard”
“Oh apparently he walked off” he said “a witness said that the sight of a grown man running face first into a brick wall was too much for him”.
‘Oh yes’ I thought ‘although it was a little unorthodox Victory Kelly’
As they lifted me on to the stretcher that fly reappeared ‘Your next’ I thought I closed my eyes, summoned my remaining strength , clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this offending insect. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting on a human face I thought ‘I didn’t know hitting a fly felt like that’.
As I was loaded on to the ambulance to the background scream of a familiar woman’s voice saying “That bastard just punched my daughter in the face ….Again” I couldn’t help but feel that this had been one of my better trips to town.
“Fuck I thought, I hate the summer all it does is bring forth legions of unholy insects to pester and bite me”.
In a desperate attempt to escape this hell spawned menace I dived into the nearest shop. As I looked around the room in which I found myself I couldn’t help but think ‘Ah me thinks fate has lead me to this location for a reason. Perhaps I should search this establishment for some adult entertainment’. Luckily for me I had ended up in HMV which did infact hold in stock adult movies. I walked upstairs and had a look around until I found my desired section.
To my eternal anoyment there was someone standing in the middle of the section. Even the back of this persons head annoyed me.
‘What’s the point in looking at porn if I cannot view A to Z’ I thought.
I decided the only honorable way out of this situation would be to walk up to this person and obeying the rules of gentlemanly conduct gradually nudge him until he was standing in front of the kiddies section which was conveniently right beside the porn section.
I walked up beside this person planted my feet and prepared my self for one of the all time great shoulders when suddenly this person turned looked at me and said
“Ah dumdum I see you are still remembering to breath. You must be more intelligent than you look, act or sound”
As I gazed at this persons face I suddenly realized where I had seen him before, it was the asshole who had taken my copy of Gardening plus a few weeks earlier. Sheathing with rage I stood there glaring at him.
“Ah” he said coughing,” I see that although you are still breathing you appear to have forgotten how to speak. God you really are a dingbat”.
“Ha” I screamed “Dingbats are extinct” I turned and ran out of the building.
I always felt that the only true way to win an argument was to get the last word in.
As I emerged from HMV I was once more accosted by my flying insectoid nemesis. After throwing a few quick swats at it I dived through the nearest open door.
I quickly looked around and thought ‘damn who knew that HMV has two doors’
“Out of my way you blithering idiot. “Said the annoying looking man as he pushed me aside.
“That’s it” I shouted “you are going down”.
I ran outside to finally obliterate this abomination of humanity.
“What now you moron” he said turning to face me.
I went into a crouch, clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this asshole. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting a human torso… I couldn’t help but think that this was not going my way. I opened my eyes and looked up at the 6 foot pile of walking muscle who had some how stepped between my intended victim and I. Strange I thought he actually looks like a cross between Mr. T and Arnie only meaner.
“You are dead meat” he rumbled.
‘Shit’ I thought ‘time to get medieval on his ass’
With a lightening uppercut and a kick to the groin I found myself lying face down on the ground. ‘Damn’ I thought ‘he is fast and strong, it looks like this is going to take something special to finish’. I looked around the area and say a brick wall about six paces away from me. ‘Oh yes’ I thought as my mind raced like Linford Christy being chased by a rabid goat, ‘Hears the plan I get up run to the wall if he is close behind me I run up the wall do a back flip and then landing behind him deliver one of the all time great punches to the back of the head driving his face into the wall rendering him unconscious. If he was a little too far behind me for this I would use the wall to execute a spin kick to the jaw rendering him unconscious’. ‘Gold’ I screamed as I leapt to my feet and with every ounce of strength sprinted towards the wall. It was at this moment that I realized two things. One I had no idea where my opponent was and two wasn’t the wall only six paces away.
As my skull cannoned against the wall my whole life flashed before my eyes this event was extremely short which depressed the hell out of me.
As I opened my eyes to look into a paramedics face I mumbled” Where is the bastard”
“Oh apparently he walked off” he said “a witness said that the sight of a grown man running face first into a brick wall was too much for him”.
‘Oh yes’ I thought ‘although it was a little unorthodox Victory Kelly’
As they lifted me on to the stretcher that fly reappeared ‘Your next’ I thought I closed my eyes, summoned my remaining strength , clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this offending insect. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting on a human face I thought ‘I didn’t know hitting a fly felt like that’.
As I was loaded on to the ambulance to the background scream of a familiar woman’s voice saying “That bastard just punched my daughter in the face ….Again” I couldn’t help but feel that this had been one of my better trips to town.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Sunday Mornings
As my eyes opened my brain felt the searing pain which could only be the result of natural light. I didn’t know where my wallet was nor my phone, in fact I was pretty sure I didn’t know where I was! I thought perhaps having one for the road should be grounds for summery execution.
As my eyes finally focused after many aborted attempts I confirmed that yes in fact I didn’t know where I was. Still after a quick check I confirmed no visible wounds or missing limbs and so declared the night before an unmitigated success. Still as I struggled to sit up I couldn’t help but feel there was something a miss? Here I was sitting in a field looking at an abandoned single roomed house. Not my usual Sunday morning! Still the fact that I could sit up was an advantage over most Sundays.
A few more minutes pasted by as I struggled to piece together the shattered remains of my memories of last night. I suddenly noticed a young woman lying roughly 100 meters up the field. ‘She is wearing more clothing then I like,’ I thought but perhaps she can help me figure out where the hell I am and how I got here?
As I struggled to my feet I noticed that she was also getting up. She was quiet attractive but had a slightly sneering expression, but I did notice that she had her good points.
“H..hello” I slurred struggling to keep my balance. “I appear to be a little lost and am unsure how I got here. Could you per chance enlighten me?”
“House” she said.
“Ahhhhhh, not quiet sure what you are trying to tell me” I said.
“House” she said again pointing to the abandoned house in the corner of the field.
Without another word she started walking towards it. With nothing left to do and the chance off falling down a distinct possibility I decided to follow.
“Not really a talker are you?” I said as we walked. “Perhaps we should walk away from the strange looking abode. The opposite direction looks quiet nice”.
“House” she said again.
“God damn it woman what the hell is wrong with you all I want is some civilized coherent conversation about what the hell is going on and all I get from you is HOUSE. This is just great I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere with a woman who has the linguistic abilities of an intoxicated monkey”.
She simply ignored me and continued to walk. When we reached the house we could see it had stood for quiet a number of years. It had Stone walls, a mud floor and no evidence of any windows.
“Hallo” I shouted which eared me an evil look from my companion.
What I said as she walked into the house. As we looked in side the house we noticed there was evidence that some one had been there recently. A half eaten chicken leg and some rags ‘Could be a hobo’ I thought? ‘Or an escaped lunatic?’
Suddenly I heard a noise from outside. I rushed out only slightly behind my female companion and turned to hear foot steps walking along the side of the house. I crept up to the corner where the footsteps were approaching.
‘I don’t know what is walking towards us but there is no way I am going down without a fight’ I thought as I hear the person approach the corner. I went into a crouch, clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this unknown enemy. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting on a human face I thought ‘oh ya lets see you chop me up with an axe after this you escaped lunatic?’ When I opened my eyes I was shocked to discover that a six year old girl now lay sprawled out on the ground.
My first thought was that I should really aim my punches higher as that one would merely have hit a fully grown axe welding lunatic in the chest and my second was how the hell did a six year old girl get out here?
“What the hell are you doing you idiotic moron how the hell does a simpleton like you even remember to breath?” said a voice from behind me. I was shocked to realize that it was the voice of my female companion.
“Wha..”I said.
“Is that all you have to say for yourself” She shouted, “ you just punched my six year old girl in the face and you can think of nothing better to say then WHA.”
“Ahhh” I muttered.
“Ahhh” she mimicked “Suddenly you have the linguistic abilities of an intoxicated monkey? What in the hell is wrong with you?”
“I thought you didn’t talk?” Which at that moment I felt would have been a good think.
“I didn’t say anything earlier because I had just woken up in a field, my daughter was missing and a drunken idiot was staggering towards me staring at my chest”
“Oh right I was just checking to see if you were all in one piece”
“Yes and we both know what piece you mean. I’m taking my daughter in side to clean her up do you think you can work on figuring out where we are?”
‘Gods’ I thaught ‘I punch one six year old in the face and suddenly I’m the bad guy’
Still perhaps a little exploring will help clear my head. As I walked away from the house I heard an ear shattering screem of terror from inside. I turned and ran in the door to see……….
As my eyes opened my brain felt the intense pain which could only be the result of artifical light. I didn’t know where my wallet was nor my phone, in fact I was pretty sure I didn’t know where I was! On second thaught I realized I was still in the toilet of the pub. ‘Shit’ I thaught ‘mabe I should head home’ but on second thoughts perhaps I should have one for the road?
As my eyes finally focused after many aborted attempts I confirmed that yes in fact I didn’t know where I was. Still after a quick check I confirmed no visible wounds or missing limbs and so declared the night before an unmitigated success. Still as I struggled to sit up I couldn’t help but feel there was something a miss? Here I was sitting in a field looking at an abandoned single roomed house. Not my usual Sunday morning! Still the fact that I could sit up was an advantage over most Sundays.
A few more minutes pasted by as I struggled to piece together the shattered remains of my memories of last night. I suddenly noticed a young woman lying roughly 100 meters up the field. ‘She is wearing more clothing then I like,’ I thought but perhaps she can help me figure out where the hell I am and how I got here?
As I struggled to my feet I noticed that she was also getting up. She was quiet attractive but had a slightly sneering expression, but I did notice that she had her good points.
“H..hello” I slurred struggling to keep my balance. “I appear to be a little lost and am unsure how I got here. Could you per chance enlighten me?”
“House” she said.
“Ahhhhhh, not quiet sure what you are trying to tell me” I said.
“House” she said again pointing to the abandoned house in the corner of the field.
Without another word she started walking towards it. With nothing left to do and the chance off falling down a distinct possibility I decided to follow.
“Not really a talker are you?” I said as we walked. “Perhaps we should walk away from the strange looking abode. The opposite direction looks quiet nice”.
“House” she said again.
“God damn it woman what the hell is wrong with you all I want is some civilized coherent conversation about what the hell is going on and all I get from you is HOUSE. This is just great I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere with a woman who has the linguistic abilities of an intoxicated monkey”.
She simply ignored me and continued to walk. When we reached the house we could see it had stood for quiet a number of years. It had Stone walls, a mud floor and no evidence of any windows.
“Hallo” I shouted which eared me an evil look from my companion.
What I said as she walked into the house. As we looked in side the house we noticed there was evidence that some one had been there recently. A half eaten chicken leg and some rags ‘Could be a hobo’ I thought? ‘Or an escaped lunatic?’
Suddenly I heard a noise from outside. I rushed out only slightly behind my female companion and turned to hear foot steps walking along the side of the house. I crept up to the corner where the footsteps were approaching.
‘I don’t know what is walking towards us but there is no way I am going down without a fight’ I thought as I hear the person approach the corner. I went into a crouch, clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this unknown enemy. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting on a human face I thought ‘oh ya lets see you chop me up with an axe after this you escaped lunatic?’ When I opened my eyes I was shocked to discover that a six year old girl now lay sprawled out on the ground.
My first thought was that I should really aim my punches higher as that one would merely have hit a fully grown axe welding lunatic in the chest and my second was how the hell did a six year old girl get out here?
“What the hell are you doing you idiotic moron how the hell does a simpleton like you even remember to breath?” said a voice from behind me. I was shocked to realize that it was the voice of my female companion.
“Wha..”I said.
“Is that all you have to say for yourself” She shouted, “ you just punched my six year old girl in the face and you can think of nothing better to say then WHA.”
“Ahhh” I muttered.
“Ahhh” she mimicked “Suddenly you have the linguistic abilities of an intoxicated monkey? What in the hell is wrong with you?”
“I thought you didn’t talk?” Which at that moment I felt would have been a good think.
“I didn’t say anything earlier because I had just woken up in a field, my daughter was missing and a drunken idiot was staggering towards me staring at my chest”
“Oh right I was just checking to see if you were all in one piece”
“Yes and we both know what piece you mean. I’m taking my daughter in side to clean her up do you think you can work on figuring out where we are?”
‘Gods’ I thaught ‘I punch one six year old in the face and suddenly I’m the bad guy’
Still perhaps a little exploring will help clear my head. As I walked away from the house I heard an ear shattering screem of terror from inside. I turned and ran in the door to see……….
As my eyes opened my brain felt the intense pain which could only be the result of artifical light. I didn’t know where my wallet was nor my phone, in fact I was pretty sure I didn’t know where I was! On second thaught I realized I was still in the toilet of the pub. ‘Shit’ I thaught ‘mabe I should head home’ but on second thoughts perhaps I should have one for the road?
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Trip to town
I noted as I drove into town that this day was going pretty well. An early start, a good breakfast, I had found 10 euro on the ground beside my car and now I was going into town to purchase my favorite monthly adult magazine.
As I swung into the area where I normally park I could have sworn I saw a dingbat fly past. Preposterous I thought I’m pretty sure they are extinct. I parked my car in the usual spot and proceeded to strut from one side of Cruises Street to the other. I soon grew tired of the strange looks the bog brained teenagers were throwing me and decided to complete my errands and leave town before things turned out as they usually did.
Humming to myself I imagined the pleasure I would soon receive from my up and coming purchase and made my way to the shop which held my prize. As soon as I reached it I headed for the back shelf where upon the top shelf my magazine lay. As I walked to the shelf I was almost knocked over by an extremely annoying looking man who simply walked on.
“Retard” I said and then noticed that he had walked over to the shelf which held my magazine and had picked up the only copy.
“Excuse me but you appear to have picked up my magazine” I said confident in the knollage that as soon as he realized his mistake he would hand it over.
“Oh I’m sorry” he said smiling. Gods I thought he really does have an annoying face.
“But I think a bumbling moron like yourself does not deserve a magazine of this quality. Perhaps a filthy shite as you obviously are can make do with a coloring book or some other item which better suits someone of your intelligence.”
Seething with rage I thought “beat him” but soon dismissed this as pointless and a little lude. Instead I went into a crouch, clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this asshole. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting on a human face I thought who is the protagonist now? When I opened my eyes I was shocked to discover that a six year old girl had inadvertently walked between my intended victim and my fist and she now lay sprawled out on the floor.
In the few moments I had before the inevitability of her parents taking turn to pummel me into a bloody mess I couldn’t help but wonder why every trip into town ended this way?
After some unpleasantness I finally made good my escape and returned to my car only to discover that some witless dumdum had boxed me in. I took a moment then to reflect on how bad my day had become. My reflection was interrupted as the owner of the offending car returned. I turned to glare and perhaps shout a profanity or two when I noticed it was that same annoying asshole from earlier.
He looked at me and said “Ah dumdum I see you are going home to mommy. I didn’t think they let bumbling morons like you drive?”
Incursion I thought as I walked towards him. I looked him square in the eyes and said “Fin” turned laughing I walked away.
It was only after a dozen or so steps that I realized two things.
One I actually wanted to go home and I was now walking away from my car.
And two I still didn’t really know what Fin meant?
As I paused to ponder my latest predicament I couldn’t help but think that all of this could have been avoided if only Eason’s stocked more than one copy of Gardening plus!
As I swung into the area where I normally park I could have sworn I saw a dingbat fly past. Preposterous I thought I’m pretty sure they are extinct. I parked my car in the usual spot and proceeded to strut from one side of Cruises Street to the other. I soon grew tired of the strange looks the bog brained teenagers were throwing me and decided to complete my errands and leave town before things turned out as they usually did.
Humming to myself I imagined the pleasure I would soon receive from my up and coming purchase and made my way to the shop which held my prize. As soon as I reached it I headed for the back shelf where upon the top shelf my magazine lay. As I walked to the shelf I was almost knocked over by an extremely annoying looking man who simply walked on.
“Retard” I said and then noticed that he had walked over to the shelf which held my magazine and had picked up the only copy.
“Excuse me but you appear to have picked up my magazine” I said confident in the knollage that as soon as he realized his mistake he would hand it over.
“Oh I’m sorry” he said smiling. Gods I thought he really does have an annoying face.
“But I think a bumbling moron like yourself does not deserve a magazine of this quality. Perhaps a filthy shite as you obviously are can make do with a coloring book or some other item which better suits someone of your intelligence.”
Seething with rage I thought “beat him” but soon dismissed this as pointless and a little lude. Instead I went into a crouch, clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this asshole. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting on a human face I thought who is the protagonist now? When I opened my eyes I was shocked to discover that a six year old girl had inadvertently walked between my intended victim and my fist and she now lay sprawled out on the floor.
In the few moments I had before the inevitability of her parents taking turn to pummel me into a bloody mess I couldn’t help but wonder why every trip into town ended this way?
After some unpleasantness I finally made good my escape and returned to my car only to discover that some witless dumdum had boxed me in. I took a moment then to reflect on how bad my day had become. My reflection was interrupted as the owner of the offending car returned. I turned to glare and perhaps shout a profanity or two when I noticed it was that same annoying asshole from earlier.
He looked at me and said “Ah dumdum I see you are going home to mommy. I didn’t think they let bumbling morons like you drive?”
Incursion I thought as I walked towards him. I looked him square in the eyes and said “Fin” turned laughing I walked away.
It was only after a dozen or so steps that I realized two things.
One I actually wanted to go home and I was now walking away from my car.
And two I still didn’t really know what Fin meant?
As I paused to ponder my latest predicament I couldn’t help but think that all of this could have been avoided if only Eason’s stocked more than one copy of Gardening plus!